Doug's Eighth Annual Housewarming Pool & Movie party!

Now with 90% less red-butt!

That's right, no more red-butt! The old red benches are GONE along with the rest of the deck, replaced by a snazzy, bigger, newer deck! AND ...wait for it... Patio furniture!

I know you're already dizzy from this exciting news, so you'd better sit down for this one...

No longer will you all have to crowd in front of that tiny TV to gape in awe at the splendor that is the Giant Skinless Elkman. Now, watch him do battle once again against the twisted dwarf and his Fresnel light on this 50" monstrocity. Oh, the huge manitee! Now, on with the announcement....

Saturday, July 10th. From 2:00pm (That's noon for Rob Wilson, 3:00 for Sheri!) until Streamwood P.D. tops off their parking ticket quotas at 1:00am or until I get tired (and we know how late that can be)!

Festivities to include:
-Cookout! I'll provide the grill, cheap hot dogs, sodas, and condiments. (I am both generous and magnanimous!) You bring any other kind of meat you'd like to grill and a snack or side dish for you and your friends.

-Movies! I have spent the past year carefully harvesting the most pool party-"appropriate" movies the world has to offer! Bad movies. Bad, bad movies. AND the unwatched leftovers from last year's shindig! (Oh no, you're not getting away from Calamari Wrestler that easily.) This year's offerings to include:

Alexander the Great
Our feature presentation! Back in 1968, NBC, in their obvious wisdom, realized this much concentrated awesomeness would surely destabilize the country if not all of reality. Therefore they chose to cancel a TV series about Alexander the Great starring...... William Shatner and Adam West! But not before this pilot was recklessly created. And we've got it!

Big Man Japan (subtitled)
Masaru Daisato has inherited the duty of protecting Japan against monsters. He is able to grow several stories high, through the power of electricity. However, he is regarded as an outcast by his fellow citizens, and suffers under burden of a heroic heritage which overshadows his own less-than-shining accomplishments as a monster fighter. To make matters worse, in his personal life he is failing as well as both a father and a grandson. In the end, his failures and doubts reach a hallucinogenic apotheosis.

Black Dynamite
This is the story of 1970s African-American action legend Black Dynamite. The Man killed his brother, pumped heroin into local orphanages, and flooded the ghetto with adulterated malt liquor. Black Dynamite was the one hero willing to fight The Man all the way from the blood-soaked city streets to the hallowed halls of the Honky House.

Monsturd
(Yes, you read that right.) Escaped serial killer Jack Schmidt is on the run from the police and FBI after escaping from jail. They gun him down in a sewer tunnel, where he falls into a pool of chemicals. The combination of feces and chemical transforms him into a half human, half feces creature, who goes on a killing rampage. And it's up to a group of local law enforcers to stop him.

King Crab Attack (short)
Basile Garaud faces the "evil Raymond Santos" who mistakenly involves himself with genetic mutation at his crab processing plant (Quiet). Thus, there arises a group of large and hungry crustaceans that must be fought to protect the local shoreline.

Ultimate Muscle Roller Fortress (short)
There is no possible way to describe this short. I stared dumbfounded, mouth agape. You will too. It's only a couple minutes long, how bad could it be?

Frankenhooker
A medical school dropout loses his fiancée in a tragic lawnmower incident, and decides to bring her back. Unfortunately, he was only able to save her head, so he goes to the red light district in the city and lures prostitutes into a hotel room so he can get parts for his girlfriend.

Sherlock Holmes
Oh no, not the hugely successful Robert Downey Jr version. This one has dinosaurs! And evil masterminds! And dragons! And shipwrecks! And sea monsters! And Tentacles!!

And the Stinking Leftovers!

The Calamari Wrestler (subtitled)
Kogi Taguchi is a professional wrestler who, after years of struggle, has finally won the championship belt in a hard-fought match -- only to have the prize stolen from him moments later by a gigantic squid. Suddenly forced to defend his title against an eight-armed grappler, Kogi senses this is no ordinary battling squid, while his girlfriend Miyako finds herself strangely attracted to the aquatic brawler.

Dead Snow (subtitled)
Eight medical students on a ski trip to Norway discover that Hitler's horrors live on when they come face to face with a battalion of undead Nazi soldiers intent on devouring anyone unfortunate enough to wander into the remote mountains where they were once sent to die.

Tokyo Zombie (subtitled)
Two dim-witted garage employees do battle with the legions of the undead after a massive trash dump in Tokyo starts spawning zombies.

And you can't escape it! Rumor also has it that, again this year, someone will be attending who has not yet see the infamous "Giant Skinless Elk-man" video. Bwahahaha!

-Stupid Games! My vast library is at your disposal! And perhaps..... The William Shatner, Rocketman Challenge!

-And, of course, the Pool That Can Be Seen From Space! (See sidebar.) All water, all the time. Bring a towel... oh, please please bring a towel... and maybe a change of clothes.

Please RSVP so I can warn the riot squad!

Directions Doug & Lorri's House

703 Sumac Dr.

Streamwood, IL. 60107

630-213-8567

From the city: Take 90 W to Barrington Rd S. Take Barrington Rd south to Schaumburg Rd. Turn right (west) onto Schaumburg Rd. Take Schaumburg Rd west to Park Blvd. Turn left onto Park Blvd. Take Park Blvd. to Oriole Dr. (Watch your speed.) Turn left onto Oriole Dr. Take Oriole Dr. to Sumac Dr. Turn left onto Sumac Dr. 703 is the first house on the right.

From the south: Take best route to 290 W (towards Rockford). Take 290 W to Thorndale W exit. Turn left onto Thorndale and get on the Elgin-OHare Expressway. Take the E-O Exp. to Irving Park Rd. At the base of the exit, turn right onto Irving Park Rd. Take Irving Park past Barrington Rd. to Park Blvd. Turn right onto Park Blvd. Take Park Blvd. to Oriole Dr. (Watch your speed.) Turn right onto Oriole Dr. Take Oriole Dr. to Sumac Dr. Turn left onto Sumac Dr. 703 is the first house on the right.

From the Aurora area: (This may or may not be faster than taking the long way around to I355/290.) Take 88 E to Sutton Rd. N (Rt. 59). Take Sutton Rd (59) north a long way to Irving Park Rd. Turn right onto Irving Pk Rd. Take Irving Pk Rd. to Park Blvd. Turn left onto Park Blvd. Take Park Blvd. to Oriole Dr. (Watch your speed.) Turn right onto Oriole Dr. Take Oriole Dr. to Sumac Dr. Turn left onto Sumac Dr. 703 is the first house on the right.

From the Madison area: Take I90 towards Chicago. Exit onto Rt. 59 (Sutton Rd). Turn right at end of ramp. Take 59/Sutton to Schaumburg Rd. Turn left onto Schaumburg Rd. Take Schaumburg Rd to Park Blvd. Turn right onto Park Blvd. Take Park Blvd. to Oriole Dr. (Watch your speed.) Turn left onto Oriole Dr. Take Oriole Dr. to Sumac Dr. Turn left onto Sumac Dr. 703 is the first house on the right.

Look! Down there! Maps!!